I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids
In 2014, while living in New York, I wandered into a charming little bookstore in Hoboken, New Jersey. Among the shelves, a book caught my eye: I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. The title alone resonated deeply, even before I had children of my own. I purchased it and for years I shared it with friends and family until I tucked it away, not realizing how profoundly it would echo in my life years later.
The title encapsulates a truth many mothers come to understand: the ideals we hold about motherhood often shift dramatically once we’re in the midst of it. Before becoming a mother, I envisioned a parenting style rooted in love but with structure and discipline. I believed in early bedtimes, independent sleeping, and plenty of routines.
In 2020, I embarked on a transformative journey with the Council for Human Development, undergoing the Trainer-Trainer-Training in Consciousness Change Therapy (CCT) and Neuroplastic Mental Acceleration (NMA) developed by Kern Frost. This training challenged me to ask foundational questions:
Why do I think what I think?
Why do I do what I do?
Why do I believe what I believe?
Three questions that sound simple but changed my world and certainly would become especially pertinent in my motherhood experience, prompting me to examine inherited patterns and societal expectations.
Then came Atalanta. Her arrival brought not only sleepless nights and endless diaper changes but also a profound transformation in my understanding of motherhood. I began to see that children aren’t puzzles to be solved but individuals to be understood. They all come with their individual personality profile and their behaviors are not challenges to authority but communications of needs and emotions.
This realization led me to dive deeper and explore the neuroscience of motherhood. Did I know that a mother’s brain changes during pregnancy and birth? No - but it certainly caught my interest as it seemed to be the door to a whole new world of understanding parenting. Studies have shown that pregnancy and childbirth induce significant changes in a mother’s brain, particularly in areas related to empathy and social cognition. These changes enhance a mother’s ability to attune to her child’s needs, fostering a deeper connection and understanding.
Reflecting on my earlier beliefs, I now understood that the emphasis on strict routines and independence may not align with the innate needs of a child or the natural instincts of a mother. In the animal kingdom, no species leaves its young alone; human practices of encouraging solitary sleep from an early age may contradict our biological wiring for closeness and security. Besides, what did people do before they had schedule? Or watches?
Motherhood has taught me that flexibility, empathy, and presence are more valuable than rigid adherence to preconceived notions. It’s about responding to our children’s cues, understanding their developmental stages, and nurturing their growth with compassion.
So, was I a really good mom before I had kids? Perhaps in theory. But it’s through the lived experience, the challenges and joys of raising Atalanta, and the insights gained from the NMA training that I’ve come to embrace the complexities and rewards of conscious motherhood.
And perhaps that’s the real point: This journey isn’t about being a good or bad mother.
It’s about recognizing that the version of motherhood we once imagined was shaped long before we ever held a child in our arms—by culture, media, our own childhoods, and generations of silent assumptions.
Many of these beliefs were installed in us when we were very small. They weren’t chosen; they were inherited—passed down by parents and caregivers, absorbed through the tone of a teacher’s voice, the approval of peers, the scripts we saw on screens, the stories whispered between generations. Layer by layer, they shaped our ideas of love, discipline, success, and what it means to be a ‘good’ parent—long before we ever had the chance to question them.
And yet, the moment we become mothers ourselves, we’re given an opportunity—an invitation—to look at those beliefs with new eyes.
To question them.
To release the ones that no longer serve.
And to build something truer, kinder, and more conscious in their place.
It’s not weakness to change your mind about motherhood.
It’s wisdom.
Because motherhood doesn’t require perfection.
It requires presence.
And in that presence, we get to meet our child and ourselves—again and again.
