Why “Why” Doesn’t Work
—A note on toddlers, moods, and the myth of reason
Lately, Atalanta wakes up moody.
She never used to. Mornings were light—her body warm against mine, her eyes curious, her voice still soft from sleep. But now, there are days when she wakes with a frown, a grumble, or even a shove. The other morning, I caught myself asking: “Why are you moody?” And there it was—the question.
It slipped out without thought. Not because I expected a real answer. But because I didn’t know what else to do.
We parents reach for why like a reflex.
“Why did you throw that?”
“Why are you hitting?”
“Why did you say that to Daddy?”
But the truth is: “Why” doesn’t work—because they can’t answer it yet.
The Brain Beneath the Behavior
By age two or three, a toddler’s brain is in full bloom—but still wildly under construction.
The parts that govern logic, reasoning, and impulse control—the prefrontal cortex—aren’t online yet in the way we expect. They can feel anger, frustration, confusion, or chaos… but they can’t trace those feelings back to a clear cause. Let alone explain it in words.
So when we ask “Why did you hit?”
They may freeze. Or say “I don’t know.”
Or just stare at us, overwhelmed.
Because they really don’t know.
So What’s Really Going On?
When Atalanta wakes moody, she isn’t choosing to be difficult. She may be:
Coming out of a dream that unsettled her
Still transitioning from sleep to alertness
Hungry, overstimulated, or just growing—again
But here’s something even deeper: She might be feeling something for the very first time.
Children don’t come with pre-labeled emotions. They don’t wake up one day understanding frustration, shame, grief, or anticipation. They build those states slowly—through experience, through their bodies, through us. And the first time they feel something unfamiliar, it can be overwhelming. Even frightening.
So when they push, cry, or melt down, they’re not giving us a hard time. They’re having a hard time. Their inner world is expanding—and it’s loud in there. That doesn’t mean they need correction. It means they need connection.
What to Say Instead of “Why”
Instead of asking why, I’ve been trying something else. Sometimes I say:
“Looks like something feels heavy in your body.”
“Is it one of those mornings that just feels weird inside?”
Or just: “I’m here. We can be quiet together.”
Sometimes she softens. Sometimes not. But I’m not looking for a fix. I’m just offering presence.
Because more than an explanation, she needs a witness.
Presence Over Performance
This is what I mean when I speak of synergistic motherhood: Not trying to decode every behavior— but learning to attune.
When we stop demanding clarity from a brain that’s still becoming, we start offering the one thing they truly need: regulation through relationship.
The Real “Why” That Matters
So now, when I feel that question rise in my throat—“Why are you acting this way?”— I pause. And I ask something else instead:
“What is she feeling that she can’t say?”
“What part of her needs to be seen?”
“And what’s moving in me that makes me need an explanation right now?”
That’s where the real growth begins.
For her.
And for me.
Because motherhood isn’t about always knowing the answer. It’s about learning to stay with the question until presence speaks instead.
