“Chris and I, we just don’t agree on how to handle crying”

Tamara:

GED, I need help again. It’s Chris, my partner. We’re so different in how we respond when our child cries. I feel it in my whole body—I want to go to her, hold her, be with her. He says, “She has to learn” or “You’re reinforcing it.”

I know he means well. But it creates this tension between us—and I don’t want our child to feel it. I’m just not sure how to bridge this gap.

GED:

You are trying to raise one child. But you are also tending two nervous systems—his and yours. And both come with history.

When your child cries, you feel activated toward connection. That is your regulation instinct. When he hears the same cry, he may feel helpless, irritated, even anxious.

And his instinct might be to withdraw—or fix.

Not because he’s wrong.

But because this is how he learned to cope with emotion—his own or others’.

Tamara:

But it makes me feel so alone in those moments.

Like I have to defend our child and myself.

And he thinks I’m too emotional or “too soft.”

GED:

You are not too soft. You are responsive. And that’s a strength. But here’s the key: don’t try to convince him with logic. Try meeting him where he is first:

“I know it’s hard for you when she cries.

I get overwhelmed too. But I’ve learned that holding her helps calm her nervous system—and mine.

I’m not doing it instead of teaching her. I’m teaching her that she’s safe.”

Give him room to feel seen. Then gently invite him closer to the why behind your instinct.

Tamara:

What if he still doesn’t agree?

What if he just says “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine”?

GED:

Then you’re not just navigating difference—you’re holding the family field. And that takes clarity.

You might say: “I hear that we’re not on the same page. But this is about her emotional foundation, not just our preferences. Can we find a shared approach, even if it’s not perfect, Chris?”

Sometimes that shared space starts not with rules, but with reflection:

• “How did your parents handle your crying?”

• “What did you wish they had done?”

• “What are you most afraid of when she cries?”

It’s not about who’s right.

It’s about who’s willing to grow into the present moment, together.

Tamara:

And what if he’s just too closed off for that?

GED:

Then your job is not to change him. It’s to stay rooted in your knowing, and model the parenting you believe in.

Children can thrive with different styles—as long as one of them is truly attuned.

You are already doing the most powerful thing:

Listening.

Soothing.

Showing your child that their emotions are safe.

That’s not softness.

That’s structure made from presence.

🌿 Practical Grounding for Parenting Disagreements

1. Talk when no one’s crying
   Discuss approaches in calm moments, not under pressure. Open with curiosity, not critique.

2. Reflect together on your childhoods
   Parenting differences are often reflections of unspoken wounds.

3. Choose one shared value to anchor you
   Whether it’s safety, trust, or emotional literacy—name a principle you both want.

4. Practice “I see you” phrases
   “I know this isn’t easy for you.”
   “I appreciate that you’re trying, even when it’s hard.”

5. Don’t perform alignment
   Your child needs your truth, not a pretend united front. Disagreement can exist alongside respect.